


Too close

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Memories, Crying, Hugs, M/M, Memories, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 09:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4257834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky can't hold it in anymore, he's so sad because ever since he came back, Steve is being so distant with him. But it doesn't surprise him since he's an ex assassin. Steve finds him crying on the balcony during a party at the Avengers Tower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too close

He closed the glass door leading to the balcony, letting all the noises of the party fade away. He needed the air. Rejoicing with the Avengers was a nice thing to do after a mission but lately he had so many things in his mind everything felt like a chore.  
He finally could let his emotions overflow him, no one was there to see it and wonder what was happening to him.  
He felt like he was losing touch with the one person he wanted to be the closest to. He could physically feel the thread of their relationship escaping his hand and disappearing into nothingness. And this above all else frightened him more than any of the horrors he had ever seen or even done. It was breaking his heart and he never suspected it could happen to him.  
He looked at his hand, no wonder everything was escaping his grasp with a hand like that, a metallic reminder of all the atrocities he had comitted all his life. He was a weapon and was aware of that since a long time, but he strangely hoped for something better. But his naive hope was fading away, gone was the certainty of Steve's presence. Of course having him returned so much changed must have been a shock to Steve. He was no longer the best friend defending him in back alleys, he was a deadly assassin with a record of murders and no trace of guilt whatsoever. Funny how the memory of the act could be erased but the shame and regret of what he knew he had done was burning his soul.  
It was silly, he didn't have to become an assassin to make Steve go away. It had been a long time since they had seen each other, Steve had his life now and probably didn't need for someone from his past to barge into this life and break it down just for the sake of old time. He probably couldn't stand his presence by now, wondering why everyone expected of him to be so ecstatic. He surely didn't miss Bucky. He was so different now, how could he pass for the young man trying to hide his fear as he celebrated his last night before going to war. He wanted that connection again, that closeness of the best of friendships with Steve. But he had no right to ask for that, no right to impose himself now. He barely noticed he was crying desperately at this moment, out of breath, oppressed.

The door opened and loud chatting escaped the building for a moment before the door was closed again. He turned his head and saw Steve coming towards him. He was so surprised he couldn't even move. He had kept everything shut for so long and was then taken in full nervous breakdown, feelings pouring in his heart and head and tears falling down his face. He couldn't help any of this and he was tired to stop this from happening. He let himself sob helplessly, breath barely coming in. He just felt lost and crying or not wouldn't change a thing, he didn't need to hide anything, it had so little importance now.

He felt Steve's arms wrap around him softly, tugging him in a hug, caressing his back in an attempt to reassure him.  
« Bucky ! It's alright buddy, tell me what's happening. »  
He let himself ease into the hug, so glad to finally feel Steve's touch and be close to him. He started talking between sobs.  
« I don't want to see you go away from me anymore.... I can't stand how you're so distant now... I feel so sad ... it breaks my heart... I want to be close to you so bad... »

He felt Steve push him away and he wasn't in any way surprised by that. But then Steve looked him in the eyes.  
« I never wanted to be so distant with you buddy ! But... But everyone said... And I thought... It'd be better for you if i kept my distance so you'd have some space to cope with everything that happened to you... » He stopped crying by now and just listened to Steve.  
« I had to stay around but not too close and not demanding too much of you...  
No ! But... No, I need to be with you, I need you to be closer, just like when we were kids. It helps me being at ease and reassured. I can't possibly get over all this without you by my side. I managed to come back because of you. I couldn't do it without you ! »  
He took some time to get his breath back, his earnest was showing in his every feature, and his eyes were alit with emotion.  
« But I'm afraid you won't want that... » He lowered his head, a sad smile coming to his lips « Me being an assassin and all... »  
A little silence. He felt it was the end and waited patiently for Steve's words to break his last hope.  
« I really want to stay with you all the time. » He lifted his head up, surprised. « But i forced myself not to, I thought I was helping you. » Steve came closer again and hugged him, squeezing him so hard. « I know I was wrong, I'm sorry I left you on your own. I'm so glad to be with you again, I'll never leave your side from now on. »  
They get a step back, still shaken by emotions, teary eyes and blushed cheeks, and they exchange a knowing smile just like before. The weight on Bucky's heart is lifted finally.

The morning after marked the start of their new dynamic, just getting back to their old habits and easy connection. Staying close, speaking to each other and keeping the distance between them at one meter maximum. It felt like coming home finally, all the warmth of their friendship surrounding them, knowing they were there for the other no matter what.

Bucky came back from the shower and stumbled in the middle of a heated argument between Natasha and Steve. He stopped in his tracks, trying to understand what's it all about.  
“You're way too clingy with him !”  
He could feel in a second that they were talking about him. He stepped into the room and immediately cut Natasha.  
“And I'm definitely ok with that.” He stepped closer to them, staying side by side with Steve and facing Nat with him. “I want that. You have no idea how it helps me finding a new place in this world.” His voice got softer. “It helps me being in a familiar environment and it triggers new memories of my old life.” He paused and turned to Steve “Just like yesterday”  
Steve looked at him astonished, question in his eyes.  
“I remembered something from our youth.” A smile started to appear at the corner of his lips and gradually soften his eyes.  
“You know that afternoon during the heat wave...” He let his voice fade and waited for Steve's reaction which appeared immediately. Pink on his cheeks he nodded “I remember that too...”  
Natasha couldn't say anything, they were so close now and bound in a way that nobody could come between them.

 

When it was Sam's turn to try and slow down their connection Bucky was the one to step in again, assuring that he was ok and prefered to be with Steve all the time and try to remember his life.  
“It's going to help me understand who I really am and only then can I start thinking about the future.”  
Sam could only nod and let him be.

He took Steve by the arm and dragged him in a quieter part of the Stark tower. His voice was low and shaking. His emotions were pouring out of him again and he could only let Steve see him like that. He had remembered something and it was quite an intimate memory they shared.

“Remember that sunny afternoon during summer, it was so hot and you were topless and nearly passed out. I brought you back after we spent the afternoon at Coney Island and you had been sick on the attraction.”  
Steve nods, memory coming back to him.  
“You could barely stand and I had to carry you in my arms and you were so tiny and light.” He took a quick look at present Steve “I wouldn't be able to do that now considering how huge you are.” Steve laughs a little.  
“I sat you on the couch and I tried to freshen you up by taking off your shirt and applying water on your skin.” He looked at Steve and saw him shiver at that moment. “It was a very special moment. I was more used to hide you under tons of blankets and take you in my arms to try and warm you up during winter nights than remove your clothes and freshen you up while you were battling to regain your breath.”  
He was still shaking a bit, intensity in his eyes as he watched closely for every reaction Steve had.  
“The sweet gestures we had that day for each other...” He paused, trying to see if Steve is on the same page as him. And he is, he is gaping. “I won't ever forget this day.” Steve shook his head and replied in a tiny whisper “Me neither”.  
“I went to war not long after...” He let silence take hold of the moment and give them time to remember the sensations, the lights. Then he felt a link to other memories suddenly appearing in his mind and couldn't help but share them.  
“During winter I always added more blankets on your side... And I remember your mom did knit socks for you so that your feet wouldn't come and freeze me up during the night.”  
He steps a little bit closer to Steve, just to feel the connection.  
“I remember the terrible fit of shivers that went through your body and sometimes I removed your clothes and my own to put them on top of the covers... And then I would take you in my arms, skin on skin so that my body would heat you directly. I'll never forget this feeling.”  
Steve had tears in his eyes under the rush of emotions from all theses memories, he didn't expect Bucky to remember so many things and he took him in his arms.  
“I'll never forget either... All those times when you took so much care of me.” Steve sighed “I owe you my life but I'm not just grateful. You were and always will be my best friend, staying by my side no matter what. And now I want to do the same for you.”  
He smiled, hidden in the crook of Steve's neck. “I won't complain even if it's pretty strange to see you so strong now.”  
Steve stiffened a bit at that comment but Bucky replied immediately “But having you in my arms gives me the exact same feeling than before, you're my Steve and it won't ever change.”


End file.
